My Weekend with Martin
Conversations with my 90-Year-Old Grandpa
It was July 4th at 9:20PM in Fort Wayne, IN. The never-ending daylight hours of summer in the Midwest were finally turning to night, and I was post-travel lazy-lounging on the couch watching the Capitol Fourth fireworks celebration broadcast on PBS. In an armchair back and to my right, humming along to the Overture of 1812, was born and raised Hoosier, Martin Weissert, my 90-year-old grandpa and conversational sparring partner for the next 65 hours.
I’ve always known my grandpa as a cheerful guy who takes great pride in his children and their spouses, and delights in the twists and turns of the lives of his grandchildren…however unrelatable he may find them. As a nonagenarian, he’s a story piñata–give him a whack and interesting tales come tumbling out.
Martin can explain the historical significance of every country road in Northern Indiana and point to any parking lot in the county and tell you what was there pre-pavement. He’s proud of who he is and where he’s from and his life stories would fill a book. For the sake of attempted but not very successful brevity, I’m going to leave the biographical details to the book and stick to recounting some talking points from my trip over one extended weekend.
To start things off, here are some quick conversational bites to establish the dynamic and set the scene:
As I’m pulling into a parking space:
Martin: Look out for that woman getting out of her car.
Me: How many points if I hit her?
Martin: 52 points.
Me: That’s a lot of points!
Martin: Well, she’s happy and she’d splatter good on the street.
At the movie theater:
Martin: I can’t believe there’s so many people here. Nobody goes to the movies anymore.
Me: Yes they do, I go to the movies all the time.
Martin: Well, that’s because you’re strange.
Me: Well, you’re old.
Martin: Wow. I used to change your diapers.
To Siri on his iPhone:
Martin: “Terminate the wave app.”
Siri: Sorry, I didn’t get that.
Me: It’s Waze, W-A-Z-E.
Martin: “Terminate wave app. W-A-V-E.”
Siri: Sorry, I didn’t get that.
Me: It’s a Z. Wa-ze.
Martin: “Terminate navigation.”
Siri: Where would you like to go?
Martin: “Siri, you’re not listening and it’s making me really frustrated, babe.”
Siri: I’m sorry.
Me: You want me to turn off the navigation for you?
Martin: No. (powers off entire phone) That’ll show her.
Discussing a movie:
Martin: She’s getting a little long in the tooth. Who was it again? Charlotte?
Me: Scarlett Johanson. And you’re more than twice as old as her.
Martin: And Chad.
Me: Channing Tatum.
Martin: Chad Tanning.
Me: Channing Tatum.
Martin: Tatum Chatum.
Me: Sure.
Randomly at dinner:
Martin: So, you don’t have any long term goals do you?
In another parking lot:
Me: How many points if I hit those two?
Martin: 10 points.
Me: What? That’s nothing. That other lady was 52.
Martin: She was perfect.
Leaving the airport:
Me: Do you want me to drive?
Martin: No, you’ll get lost.
Later, on the way home from dinner:
Martin: Well Samantha, I have no idea where I am. I am completely lost.
Me: You told me I couldn’t drive because I’d get lost.
Martin: (aggressively U-turns) I used to change your diapers.
Coming across any stranger:
Martin: She has chunky legs.
Discussing family:
Martin: I have three great-grand children and I’ve only ever met one of them.
Me: What are you talking about? All three of them were at your birthday.
Martin: What? No they weren’t. Was Natalie born yet?
Me: Yes. She was 7 months old.
Martin: I don’t remember.
Later, regarding a picture of Martin with his three great-grandchildren that sits on his coffee table 24/7/365:
Me: Look, here you are with all three of your great-grandchildren. You have a picture with them right here!
Martin: Alright, so I met ‘em once! Guilty as charged! Get me a lawyer.
Me: Weren’t you a lawyer?
Martin: I used to change your diapers.
With the right set and setting, my grandpa loves to talk. In addition to having a dry sense of humor, he’s smart and curious, logical and patient. So over a series of meals and gin and tonics, we dove into the deep topics.
Spirituality and the Afterlife
“I’ve become a lot more spiritual in the past five years since your grandma died.”
My grandpa was raised Protestant in South Bend, IN, a majority Catholic town. This divide caused quite a bit of tension in town and even resulted in the father of a Catholic girl he was going out with to sit him down and tell him never to come back again. He went to church every Sunday from childhood through adulthood and now streams the church service because of obstacles that make it hard to get to the sanctuary. He and my grandma were always involved in some group or another through their church, and even until recently he would meet with a group to discuss their faith. So I asked him, how would he describe his spirituality now?
His logical side has a hard time accepting the story of Jesus. He believes he was a historical figure, but the bible (which he read aloud in entirety last summer) is riddled with inaccuracies, and he can’t logically accept everything he’s been taught to believe. For one, he finds it hard to believe that the only way to get to Heaven is to follow Jesus. He’s known way too many good people that aren’t Christian to think that those people don’t make it simply because they don’t believe the story. When he asks his Christian friends how that can be, they always give them same response, “God is full of mysteries that we will never understand.” He’s not satisfied with that answer.
He asked me, raised in the Catholic Church, where I stand. He was there for my baptism, but it doesn’t take a detective to figure out that Catholic principles don’t guide my choices. I told him that over the course of history, it’s my opinion that the Catholic Church has caused much more harm than good. How am I supposed to believe that this benevolent, all-powerful and loving God has chosen such a mess of an organization to carry out his message? No way. I don’t know what I believe now. I imagine spirituality will crescendo and fade through my life.
And in regards to the afterlife:
Martin: I’m on the five-yard-line.
Me: What does it look like from there?
Martin: Honestly, I have no idea.
While he questions his faith more than ever before, he also believes more strongly than ever that there is an afterlife. He, however, has no idea what it entails. “Who knows, I could go to Heaven or I may come back as a beetle.” The thing that frightens him, however, is the concept of eternity. He finds it impossible to wrap his mind around the idea of being somewhere endlessly.
His brother, who was his hero in many respects, died believing 100% in Jesus and in Heaven. In a way, that’s a gift. Where my grandpa nets out now is basically…better safe than sorry. If you believe in Heaven and it gets you in, awesome. If you believe in Heaven and it doesn’t exist, well, oh well! At least you were prepared.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the afterlife lately. After a couple recent trips to Mexico, I’ve been taken by their relationship with death and the afterlife. They have this interesting mix of Catholicism and indigenous beliefs. Every year on November 1st, they lay a trail of marigold petals into their homes so their loved ones who have passed can find their way to an altar with their favorite food and drinks. Colorfully decorated sugar skulls are iconic of the country and one of my favorite street murals featured a skeleton doing a toe touch. I appreciated the celebratory vibe and a not insignificant part of me wishes I believed it.
One of my best friends is a pediatric oncologist. She told me the story of a young patient who one night had a dream where he saw his grandma next to the family dog holding a baseball in its mouth. The boy used to play baseball, but hadn’t since losing his legs due to his illness. After having the dream, he told his mom, “Don’t worry, Mom. I know where I’m going and I’ll be with Grandma and our dog. And I get to play baseball again.” The next day, he was gone. How does something like that not affect what you believe? How can you not want to believe he was right?
I shared with my grandpa my current thinking, which is not in an afterlife, but rather an unseen part of our world. Our physical body has the capability to sense only so much of the world around us, and I think there is a lot more right here that we can’t see or interact with. I think some people have more ability than others to connect with this unseen reality (and I rank very low on that ability quite frankly). So, my current model is that our soul or spirit becomes this thing we can’t see or describe but is part of the world right here around us. But, who knows what I’ll believe by the time I make it to the five-yard-line.
Politics
As you can imagine, a 30-year-old woman from southern California and a 90-year-old man from northern Indiana did not see eye to eye on many political points. I told my grandpa that, to oversimplify, in my eyes the left/Democrats are the party of change and the right/Republicans are the party of staying the same. He nodded and said he agreed with that. I argued that without change, America will get left behind, so it’s essential we change in order to at least keep up, let alone be a leading power. And I am much more inspired by change and progress than I am by squashing it.
He thinks that Americans are not ready for socialist policy and that we had gone too far in the past, such as with the New Deal, and are going too far now. I asked him for a recent example. He brought up student loan forgiveness. He adamantly disagrees with forgiving student loans. He thinks it’s unfair to the people that have already paid their loans and it’s unfair to the people who go to trade school and don’t qualify for loans. In my mind, we shouldn’t continue to let people suffer under the crush of loans just because others had to in the past. I don’t think we should let doing what’s fair keep up from doing what’s right. We should stop the cycle. But I did agree with him about trade school – it’s unfair to trade school students to not qualify for loans (I think in some cases they still do, but admittedly I’d have to do some research).
He asked me why I think everyone deserves a higher education. To me, it’s the right thing to do. I think educating the population is a good thing and everyone deserves that opportunity. He asked me, if everyone gets a free loaf of bread in the morning, who is going to want to bake the bread? He believes that would be nobody! I said that I am totally good with everyone getting a free loaf of bread in the morning. But if you want a cinnamon raisin loaf or a bagel, then you work. You bake. He asked, a bit incredulously, “So you do want to work?” Of course! I’m not expecting to not work, I understand how the world works. He thought that nobody on the left wants to work and wants everything given to them. To be fair, I do have some friends that would freely admit this would be their ideal scenario, but I think it’s mostly a reaction to the fact that working does not promise the lifestyle it used to, which makes us question the point of it all. My biggest dreams in life involve my career, and I think he was shocked to hear this coming from someone who sits firmly on the left.
Ultimately, I told him that we actually are worried about the same thing – people getting more than they’ve earned. The difference is he’s worried about people at the bottom getting more than they deserve, and I’m worried about people at the top getting more than they deserve. He looks at those who have come from nothing and made a good life and feels inspired. I look at those who have come from nothing and made a good life and I’m angry that we allowed them to have nothing to begin with. He thinks those who are struggling are more of a drain on the system, and I think the mega-rich are the money drain that needs to be plugged. He asked, “So you think we should just take 2 billion of Bill Gates’ 10 billion?” Absolutely! Nobody should be that rich. He actually agreed on that point.
He told me that this tension between change and staying the same has been what’s made America such a strong country. He finds it fascinating and wonderful. He’s proud of it. I told him I agreed with its value. In fact, I willingly admit that I have a problem with West Coast liberals and I think a lot of their issues stem from a lack of a meaningful conservative presence–there’s nobody holding their feet to the fire and they cannot admit to themselves when something isn’t working. So, while I disagree with conservative values and he disagrees with progressive ones, talking to him has me begrudgingly admitting that the conservative faction, something that often really pisses me off to be honest, is important to a healthy democracy because the left is unable to properly make adjustments on their own.
And we both agree that this tension that has made our country strong has, as of late, turned more into vitriol. Rather than providing accountability, the tension between the two is providing hatred. I don’t think it’s the majority of voices, but I do think it’s the loudest ones. And we’re both concerned about the ramifications of this.
Despite broaching politics multiple times over the weekend, it was decided that I’m wrong and he’s old. Neither of us left with opinions we didn’t arrive with. But, we broke through each other’s echo chambers and that holds value.
My Life
My lifestyle certainly confuses my grandpa. As is made evident by the aforementioned question dripping with commentary, “So, you don’t have any long term goals do you?” The fact that I’m not married with children or at least not well on my way to doing so is hard for him to wrap his brain around. I didn’t get a masters or a law degree or work in finance. I told him that I don’t know what my life will look like ten years from now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have goals. I walked him through the hopes for my career, skills I’d like to develop, places I’d like to go. If I get married, great. If I don’t, great. It won’t interfere with what I want out of life either way. I told him there are two big factors I can point to for why I mostly tend to follow my heart in the near-term rather than pointedly march towards long-term goal posts.
For one, I’m a woman living in the United States in 2024. I have infinite possibilities! If I was born in a different time or a different place, this would not be the case. I’m beyond lucky to have the world and resources and opportunities at my fingertips. As my mom reminded me on the phone the other day, this year marks the 50th anniversary of women being able to get a credit card on their own. Women in Iran have been fighting to simply go outside without covering their heads.
I don’t have to do what tradition dictates and I almost feel a responsibility to see what else is out there. When I told him this he nodded and responded, “It’s true. We used to tell you girls you could do and be whatever you wanted and it wasn’t true. Now it is, but we lied to you about that.” To an extent, I’m making good on the lie he told me. He didn’t think it would be the truth, but now it is and I’m taking advantage and that’s understandably confusing!
The second is that we’re not rewarded these days for choosing the path of stability. My grandpa spent much of his career at the same company. Nowadays, companies go through massive layoffs willy-nilly whenever they feel like it. We are not rewarded for loyalty, so why give it? Wages no longer afford us the house and yard and car and occasional vacation. Being risky is almost not being risky, because what is there to lose? He said that he can see why today, many of us don’t prioritize chasing stability when it’s so fickle anyway.
My grandpa was raised in relative prosperity as the son of a successful dairy farmer. However, a series of poor business decisions and family drama left his father bankrupt when he died. That left a mark, and my grandpa turned down a lot of opportunities and risks through his life in preference of stability and determination to not end his life the same way. And I totally get why anyone would choose to live their life this way, and don’t think it’s second best, just different. So while I’m not inheriting an NBA team (happy to meet for a drink and walk you through that), my grandpa definitely made the right decisions for what he wanted out of life. Luckily, I am able to do the same.
We laughed a lot, cried a little, agreed to disagree, and judged strangers. Then it was Sunday morning and time to fly back to California.
I texted him when I got back to my apartment–
I got one more reply from him the next morning–
Who knows if that was his fault or Siri’s, but I’ll blame Siri. After all, she never changed my diapers.
xo
Sam
P.S. Bonus for those of you who read my last post. Went to the wedding and now I need to show off the dress:
